My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
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My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“You’d better run, egg!”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.