If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I was up all night reading about insomnia
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Does beer think about me too?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one