Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes