Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You Might Also Like
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
umm…
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …