All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up