So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
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A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
synchronized noseblowing
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Oops
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be