If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
S/o to @funTweeters .
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.