[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.