Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Jesus Christ lmao
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My beach vacation Google searches
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣