I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement