Oh deer
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STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Leaving the Barbers like
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.