This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
You Might Also Like
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If a snake ate a cake
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.