ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Look at this
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf