Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
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Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
me and who