WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Chemical wingman
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away