Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.