Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-