Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?