But that’s none of my business
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My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss