Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
welp
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”