Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you