My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
You Might Also Like
Wise advice
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.