Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it