Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
dictator is short for richard potato
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep