flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”