I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon