God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*