How all things should be taught/explained.
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In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name