Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
You Might Also Like
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I know this now 😂
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.