I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt