Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
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Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this