No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Always
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.