Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
There is wisdom there.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I hope google does well on my son’s test
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
tell em, edith-anne
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*