I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
OMG 🤣🤣
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
<- sleeps well with others
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.