My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
You Might Also Like
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Trumpy Cat
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!