I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
What my back needs
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Catercrombie & Fish
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour