The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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My dream job is getting paid to dream
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what