Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
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Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
every. time.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*