(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
crochet youtube is brutal
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Milk Cube
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?