How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
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People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.