Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
A choir of Spring onions
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell