mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
tis the season
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“Sheer Arrogance”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”