the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
RT if you could go either way.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Software Development ⛵️
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?