absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco