ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name