Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
You Might Also Like
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’M CRYINGGG
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
🔦🌙👣
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!