Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
BRO LMFAO
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.