Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
#Thanos #MondayMood
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.