*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*