(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.